I dislike the yelling see

But it turns out? That’s a pipe dream for delusional people without kids. Omfg. DK starts reading a book with me, gets half a sentence in, decries that he just can’t read and storms off. What just happened? No don’t even know how to have a reasoned discourse, bc WHAT JUST HAPPENED???

I get home from work with a gallon of milk. In the time it takes to put it in the refrigerator, Pi has told me no less than six times that she’s thirsty she needs juice. I heard you, knock it off!

Bear moves next to me at dinner and keeps ramming me with his plate. You’re done? You want more? What???

And yelling? Happens way more than I’d like to admit. Because they never listen to any direction. Pick up the dishes, no seriously I’m asking you to pick up the dishes, not mine for diamond for twenty years bony run away! Wtf? GET BACK HERE DON’T PUSH YOUR SISTER!!!

Sigh. I was seriously deluded. I miss that ;)

It’s given me problems in the past, where I was listening to movies or music or something while studying. I had perfect recall of the material, as long as the right background was on. (in those instances, I could usually get decentrecall with any music). Unfortunately, my professors didn’t see a good reason for me to listen to headphones during exams :o

Well, now I have a worse level. When DK was in ICU, we were reading him various stories. A lot of them were favorite stories of his, but there was also the Magic Treehouse series, which he (and I) had never read. So I read it to him, a few chapters at a time.

Now I can’t even think of the series without seeing him on the respirator and all the IVs and monitors and … all of it.

I somehow doubt I will be reading this series to the other kids, or to him for that matter, ever again.

—

I wrote that in October. Since then Bear has had me read them at bedtime sometimes. We started with the later entries, because he doesn’t care. Eventually we circled around and read some of the same ones I’d read for DK and I made it through, but still hard

He napped on and off until DK came down at 8? 8:30? then Pi came at about 9:30, and I made breakfast …

About 11 I decided to take a nap b/c, still exhausted. Kiir suggested taking Kitty with me b/c he was ready for his naptime. He doesn’t fall asleep laying in the bed yet with me.

DK followed us up b/c he wanted to take a nap too, so I turned on the light in his room so he could “take a nap” while we went to the other room.

K followed us in to nap with us.

Pi followed up the stairs in a minute to come play too!! Eventually DK let her into the room Kitty and I were in, so she could come in. And since he let her in, he brought his sleeping bag for a sleepover.

Then Kitty, DK and Pi bounced around the bed a bit playing.  And by 11:15 we just all came back down, b/c so far this nap had simply provided me with a bonus headache.

Well, technically, it’s apropos of the fact that I’d watched an emotional episode on my iPod and putting away my ticket I saw kitty’s footprint card from the hospital still in my bag.

When DK was born, Kiir’s aunt made a “milestones” book, and it had a slot for his.

Pi’s sat by the table waiting for Kiir to make a scrapbook for her stuff.

Kitty’s has never even made it out of my bag, because there’s just no time to do anything like that, and frankly if it’s in my bag I know where to find it.  Pi’s I’m not sure which box we put it in to keep it from getting lost.  It’s here, I know we didn’t throw it out, I just don’t know where it is.

Anyway, I got to thinking about how I’ve often said I work my job to provide for my family, but my family is the important thing.  And the last month I’ve been working long hours, putting in time at home, etc, for a big deploy.  Yeah, it’s only really the second time I’ve done that since I started this job five years ago, but it rankles.  Because I put my kids on the back burner instead of the other way round.

That got me to reflecting on the fact that I get angry so often and rage for no reason.  I’ll yell, loudly, and it scares DK.  Some of that is his personality, and I think loud noises bother him in general.  But some of that is he’s afraid of daddy.  I am not a fan of that part.

And I get mad about the dumbest things.  He’ll want to quit playing a video game because it got hard, but I’m trying to finish the level so I’ll “yell” at him.  Or he’ll insist he’s done playing, so I’ll turn off the TV and declare it bedtime.  Because he didn’t want to play the videogame anymore?  WTF!

We’ll go up to put Pi to bed (he’ll help me put her to bed, and fall asleep in the process a lot of times, but he won’t go up for his bedtime, just hers).  And we’ll be reading books, he’ll suddenly remember we need to brush teeth (valid).  Then we’ll get snuggled back down, and he’ll want a drink.  And I’ll just lose it.  Of course it’s a stalling tactic, but it gets me irrationally angry.  And I’ll yell at him to lay down, be quiet, and let Pi go to sleep!!!

I don’t even remember the stupid shit that has me raging, but I do know it’s stupid shit.  I know it even when I’m screaming, I just can’t help myself.

And I don’t like that about me.  About me with them.  I don’t want them to fear me.  That’s not the kind of person I am, seriously.  But I don’t know how to control it.  And if I talk to my psych about it, I’m afraid he’ll change my antidepressants, and honestly it took me long enough to get back on this one that actually works.

All that got me to remembering when he was a newborn at the hospital.  How small he was, how dependent.  And I think part of the issue is he’s NOT dependent anymore.  He’s very much independent.  He’ll need help with things, but he wants to do it by himself.

And Pi, now, too.  And she’s so tiny, she can’t always turn the doorknobs, but she wants to be doing it by herself.  She can’t reach the sink, the lights.  But I want my teeny tiny baby back, that I could hold in the crook of my arm, who would lay down on my chest and sleep.

And even Kitty.  He’s crawling around, standing sometimes in the middle of a room, trying to walk.  He wants to be up and doing whatever his siblings are doing, instead of sitting on me being my baby.

Maybe I do need new antidepressants, but I refuse to go back on the one with the super-side-effects-and-withdrawal-like-morphine issues.

Actually, what I really wanted to do by the time I got off the train was go sit at the hospital maternity ward and just watch the babies in the nursery for an hour or so while I recentered.

Of course, assuming I could get into the hospital, I couldn’t get into the maternity ward.  And if I somehow got in, I’d just get arrested, because you can’t watch the nursery, you might be planning on snatching a baby or something.  *sigh*

But it would be nice to just sit there and watch for a bit, and pretend that my babies were still my babies.

Two weeks ago, just after tday, I called in Kittys scrip for the next portion.  I said that it was for the next portion of a partial fill of a compounded medicine.  She looked in the computer, couldn’t find any record of a current scrip for refills.  She went looking for the paperwork, couldn’t find it any of the places she knew to look, said she’d call back when the pharmacist was available for her to ask.  Called back like two minutes later, pharm knew exactly where to look and poof we’re in business.  Said I’d pick it up Tuesday.

Actually, she was good, I liked her.  She did more than read the screen, she tried to find it and then went to ask the pharmacist.  They need more peopel like her.

It was Thursday or so before we got there to do pick up.  Lady at the window asks for the name, I give it, she walks off.  I yelled after her that it was in the fridge, because I get tired of them looking and coming back never opening it.

She comes back, couldn’t find it.  ”Did you check the fridge” “not there”  How do you spell the name … how do you know you couldn’t find it??? so I start spelling thel ast name “no no, Kitty, how do you spell it? KOT?”  uh, no, K-I-T-, thats enough.

if you’re having that much trouble with tghe easy part … ??? all we have is a refill, oh you already picked that up, are you sure you called it in to THIS cvs?  ”Just get the pharmacist”

Pharm looks up, waves, comes close enough to ask “compounded partial?” yeah thats it!  she tells the clerk where to look aaaand … its not there.  pharm dsays she can mix it in half an hour before they close, she remembers it and doesn’t understand where it went.

So we drive a bit, come back, new clerk.  Starts with the same “whats the name?” I tell her to just get the pharm.  i’m so not going through this again.  Pharm hands her the scrip immediately, waves again, and were gone!

Best part? We’ve only given him his meds a few times since t-day.  he doesn’t seem to need them.  But if the insurance company’s gonna rack me over the rails trying to get the meds and insist on 90-days … I damn well want my 90-days!

And I feel that the pharmacies system needs work, so I’m giving them practice.  Because this is seriously annoying to go through, maybe I can help someone else!

“Hi daddy!”

And it’s not in Pi’s voice print …

I don’t know Kitty’s, since he’s still only 8mo, and laughing/crying/screeching doesn’t exactly reflect speaking print …

So, yeah, my 8mo old just said “hi daddy!” at me and waved a my little pony’s hairbrush that we as chewing on :o

he then crawled over again and shared the brush with me by screeching and shoving his whole fist into my maw :)

When I  checked the mail from last week (we were out of town) … Note from CVS/Caremark.

After carefully reviewing the case, blah blah blah, according to our records, yadda yadda, we are DENYING your request for an exception for this medication because:

• After two months, you are expected to switch to a 90-day supply
• You can get a 90-day supply via the mail-order
• You can also get a 90-day supply at your local CVS/Pharmacy and pay the mail order price

Because this prescription does not fulfill these requirements (90-day prescription required for all maintenance medications), we cannot grant you an exception to the 90-day maintenance rule requirement.

I’m going to try to scan it and post it, because seriously?  I can’t make this stuff up.

They can’t give me an exception to the rule requiring a 90-day prescription, because I need a 90-day prescription, and I don’t have a 90-day presecription, and I should have a 90-day prescription, so we can’t let you not have a 90-day prescription because you don’t have a 90-day prescription.

REALLY?  Clearly they don’t employ actual people, just scripts that are, SOMEHOW, incapable of performing simple logic?

Insurance demands a 90-day scrip for any “maintenance medication”, which is anything you need more than one refill of :o  Since it’s only good for so short a period it hit “maintenance” within a month.

After arguing the point with the insurance, we kinda were giving up but had the doc submit the justification (uh, she prescribed it?  how’s that for a justification, bitches?) and, I don’t know if it had an effect or not, since we still can’t get a one-month supply.  BUT!  After three months of paying for it out of pocket, the pharmacy suddenly said “hey!  What if we filed it as a 90-day prescription, but we’ll give it to you one month at a time?  eh? eh? clever, right?”

OK.  Point the first.

1. How is 90 days, in 3 30-day segments, noticeably different from 30-days with 2 refills?  seriously?
2. How can you insist on a 90-day scrip when it’s not good for 90-days?
3. While we’re on the subject, those of you good at math might have figured out … 30 days > 12*2, yah?
4. Dude when I was calling to argue was flabbergasted it was compounded and not in pill form, “Is that really necessary?”  Kitty was 5 months old at the time of this conversation!
5. Seriously, when did the insurance companies become the final arbiters of medication???
6. Oh, yeah, and didn’t 90-day start out as a convenience and money-saving thing for people?  How has it become the mandated standard?

So, last month we filled the 90-day scrip (yay, less than half the price we were paying for 30-days previously!), and they said they had the other two months of it set aside here and it would be ready each month for me to pick it up.

Well, today I went to pick up month 2.  Lady at the pharmacy asked “when did you drop off the prescription?” “Last month”  ”I’m sorry, it sounded like you said last month, haha” “I did”

Well, she looks in the computer and says “It looks like it was sent back” Uh, no. “We only keep them on the shelf for 15 days” Uh, no.  I explain.  ”Oh, did you get a partial?” Seriously, like it’s my problem to know?  And didn’t you just say the computer said it was filled and returned a couple weeks ago?  Where did that come from?  Oh, right, NOT the computer!

So she looks some more, asks someone else, and comes back. “I think they put it back in the general supply, I don’t see anything waiting” Again, no.  Explain.  ”I don’t see anything here made, I can put in for it to be filled” Fine

“When do you want to pick it up?” “Other than now?” “I can check with my pharmacist, but I don’t know if she can fill it tonight”  Fine, tomorrow.  I wasn’t coming back tonight anyway.

Moral of this story?  If you’re going to quote the computer, try not to have to change your story.  And if you’re not going to keep it set aside in a folder like you claim, perhaps you shouldn’t claim it.  Just say that you’ll pull it at time.

Seriously people.  Can you at least TRY to act like professionals and not the keystone cops?