Psychotomy

So, apropos of nothing, this afternoon on the train I started thinking about the kids.

Well, technically, it’s apropos of the fact that I’d watched an emotional episode on my iPod and putting away my ticket I saw kitty’s footprint card from the hospital still in my bag.

When DK was born, Kiir’s aunt made a “milestones” book, and it had a slot for his.

Pi’s sat by the table waiting for Kiir to make a scrapbook for her stuff.

Kitty’s has never even made it out of my bag, because there’s just no time to do anything like that, and frankly if it’s in my bag I know where to find it.  Pi’s I’m not sure which box we put it in to keep it from getting lost.  It’s here, I know we didn’t throw it out, I just don’t know where it is.

Anyway, I got to thinking about how I’ve often said I work my job to provide for my family, but my family is the important thing.  And the last month I’ve been working long hours, putting in time at home, etc, for a big deploy.  Yeah, it’s only really the second time I’ve done that since I started this job five years ago, but it rankles.  Because I put my kids on the back burner instead of the other way round.

That got me to reflecting on the fact that I get angry so often and rage for no reason.  I’ll yell, loudly, and it scares DK.  Some of that is his personality, and I think loud noises bother him in general.  But some of that is he’s afraid of daddy.  I am not a fan of that part.

And I get mad about the dumbest things.  He’ll want to quit playing a video game because it got hard, but I’m trying to finish the level so I’ll “yell” at him.  Or he’ll insist he’s done playing, so I’ll turn off the TV and declare it bedtime.  Because he didn’t want to play the videogame anymore?  WTF!

We’ll go up to put Pi to bed (he’ll help me put her to bed, and fall asleep in the process a lot of times, but he won’t go up for his bedtime, just hers).  And we’ll be reading books, he’ll suddenly remember we need to brush teeth (valid).  Then we’ll get snuggled back down, and he’ll want a drink.  And I’ll just lose it.  Of course it’s a stalling tactic, but it gets me irrationally angry.  And I’ll yell at him to lay down, be quiet, and let Pi go to sleep!!!

I don’t even remember the stupid shit that has me raging, but I do know it’s stupid shit.  I know it even when I’m screaming, I just can’t help myself.

And I don’t like that about me.  About me with them.  I don’t want them to fear me.  That’s not the kind of person I am, seriously.  But I don’t know how to control it.  And if I talk to my psych about it, I’m afraid he’ll change my antidepressants, and honestly it took me long enough to get back on this one that actually works.

All that got me to remembering when he was a newborn at the hospital.  How small he was, how dependent.  And I think part of the issue is he’s NOT dependent anymore.  He’s very much independent.  He’ll need help with things, but he wants to do it by himself.

And Pi, now, too.  And she’s so tiny, she can’t always turn the doorknobs, but she wants to be doing it by herself.  She can’t reach the sink, the lights.  But I want my teeny tiny baby back, that I could hold in the crook of my arm, who would lay down on my chest and sleep.

And even Kitty.  He’s crawling around, standing sometimes in the middle of a room, trying to walk.  He wants to be up and doing whatever his siblings are doing, instead of sitting on me being my baby.

Maybe I do need new antidepressants, but I refuse to go back on the one with the super-side-effects-and-withdrawal-like-morphine issues.

Actually, what I really wanted to do by the time I got off the train was go sit at the hospital maternity ward and just watch the babies in the nursery for an hour or so while I recentered.

Of course, assuming I could get into the hospital, I couldn’t get into the maternity ward.  And if I somehow got in, I’d just get arrested, because you can’t watch the nursery, you might be planning on snatching a baby or something.  *sigh*

But it would be nice to just sit there and watch for a bit, and pretend that my babies were still my babies.

Posted in: DK, general, Kitty, PI by attriel /