Psychotomy

So I wrote up a big rambling post the other night about my depression and stuff

Then I deleted it. Bc I was writing it while, awkwardly, depressed and missed meds.

Then I realized that that’s part of why I never really use this blog.

Depression isn’t about being “sad” or “down”. At least not for me. For me it’s more … There’s a word. I can’t remember it. Basically I just quit caring. Very demotivatioonal that’s for sure

So missed my meds, down drift all day. And by night I couldn’t care. Couldn’t care about going to sleep even. Which royally blows. Not interested in doing anything while I’m awake, can’t be bothered to even fall asleep

Depression blows horribly

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So, growing up, I listened to the Star Wars/Empire/Jedi soundtracks while I read books a lot. So anytime I read the Foundation trilogy (Isaac Asimov), I can HEAR that music playing even though it really isn’t anymore. Listening to that music, I can see the story playing out in my mind.

 

It’s given me problems in the past, where I was listening to movies or music or something while studying. I had perfect recall of the material, as long as the right background was on. (in those instances, I could usually get decentrecall with any music). Unfortunately, my professors didn’t see a good reason for me to listen to headphones during exams :o

 

Well, now I have a worse level. When DK was in ICU, we were reading him various stories. A lot of them were favorite stories of his, but there was also the Magic Treehouse series, which he (and I) had never read. So I read it to him, a few chapters at a time.

 

Now I can’t even think of the series without seeing him on the respirator and all the IVs and monitors and … all of it.

 

I somehow doubt I will be reading this series to the other kids, or to him for that matter, ever again.

—

I wrote that in October. Since then Bear has had me read them at bedtime sometimes. We started with the later entries, because he doesn’t care. Eventually we circled around and read some of the same ones I’d read for DK and I made it through, but still hard

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So, with Kiir out of town, she suggested I take the kids to the Children’s Museum, since our membership expires again end of the year …

Actually, I didn’t want to, since with the big climbing structure, no one would have any fun.  Pi can’t/won’t go on most of it, and DK loves climbing on it.  Also, according to the rules, I’m supposed to stay with him.

Well, after gymnastics this morning (which she, duh, loved having a class this week), Pi kept asking if we were going to the museum.

Took Kiir’s car for maintenance, turns out it was low on transmission fluid, causing the check engine light and the jerking when it shifted (figured).  I had intended to take them to Toys ‘R Us to each get a toy, and then maybe the dollar store for them to pick out gifts for their grandparents (and I think Pi needs a gift for mommy still).  Honestly, I couldn’t remember who needed to buy what for who, so that was going to be complicated anyway (and was likely to require a return visit after Kiir got home and reminded me of whatever I knew I was forgetting)

They were really good for the 45 minutes at Jiffy Lube, so I said we could go to the Museum.  Got there, and DK immediately ran into the climbing structure and vanished.  Got him back a little bit later, and we went through part of the museum.  He vanished into the climbing structure a few times while Pi played with some of the other bits, and we continued through the museum.  I kindof forced him to do a few things other than climbing, since Pi couldn’t really play on the structure with him.  And I made her sit through some things DK wanted to do.

Eventually near the end, they both wanted to climb again.  So I went with Pi who followed DK around as much as she could.  Eventually we completely lost track of him because Pi and I got caught behind another family after DK had run past them.  He found us again and took Pi up a spiral to the highest “tower” to look around.  I had to help her up, meaning I had to wedge through the spiral too.  And that thing is NOT designed for a full adult.  Especially not an overweight one, erg.  Uncomfortable :o

They came back down and he vanished again while Pi and I went back out to wait for him and she played with a few things.  We ended up on the first floor, and I saw him exiting on the third floor.  DOH!  There was no way I could get his attention through all the noise, so Pi and I went up to the second floor to see if we could find him climbing through again.

Apparently, unable to find us, he either looked lost or asked an employee, because in a few minutes an employee called over to me to ask if he was with me.  He apologized for me and Pi getting lost and said he’d be more careful.

From that I told him that Pi wanted to go into the 3-and-under room, and he declared he did too!  I told him he had to be careful, it was for little kids younger than him, and he was only allowed to go because he was with his sister.  He promised to be careful of the other kids (He has Pi and Kitty, so I wasn’t too worried about it, but I wanted to give him the lecture first, so that if he looked like he was powering his way through, he’d know why he was in trouble for it)

He played nice with a few other kids, helping them push button triggers when they couldn’t get enough force on them, and collecting the butterflies for the butterfly launcher, so fun was had by all.

Then he played on the structure a couple more times before I declared it time to go at 4:55, on a 5pm closing.  They wanted to play soccer in the entrance soccer area, so I let them.  Then the 5pm announcement came on.  I couldn’t quite make it out, but it sounded like “we’re closed, bugger off”, so I told them they were closing and we had to leave.

Annoying note — the McD’s next to the museum , uh, disappeared.  It’s closed. Gone.  Kaput.  I thought maybe they just moved to a different spot, since their old one was kindof cramped, but I didn’t see any arches anywhere.  They said they wanted to go to the Pizza place for dinner, I agreed, and we got into the car.  Pi didn’t make it out of the parking deck, and DK made it about halfway home before passing out.

Which is kind of why I was looking at the McD’s.  I can’t have anything but a Sundae, but they could have fries and Pi would eat the chicken nuggets, and I figured if I could drag things until 6 or later, they might all stay asleep.  Instead, I carried them to their beds at 6:15, and at 8pm DK came back downstairs because he woke up.  Luckily I’d gone ahead and ordered pizza delivery while they were asleep, because I assumed he’d be up :)

 

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