Psychotomy

So my depression has been worse of late again. Keeping it under control mostly, although with random flares of temper and malaise. Man I wish I could talk to a fuckig therapist about this PTSD. Good thin it’s not something important, just me being bored and wanting to waste some docs time.

I may also be more bitingly sarcastic. Hard to say

Anyway.

These paragraphs written and redacted three times. So lets just pretend I wrote a bunch of stuff and you’re silently judging me based on it now.

In good with that.

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So, when I had that first appointment with my new psych…

First there was the wonderful “are you seeing anyone for therapy?” “Uh, I thought that was what you were when I was making an appointment”. “No, I’m a psychiatrist. This is a psychiatric evaluation”. Yah, doc, I figured that out from the question. But since I asked for a therapist during the phone call, you’ll have to bear with me.

Then “who diagnosed you with PTSD?” Uh, my wife? “Oh, so she’s a clinician?” No, she thought the flashbacks and fears sounded right. Then the PCP doc agreed and recommended me over.

So then “what caused it?” So, full explanation of last summer again. “Explain the flashbacks, you said you don’t witness it”. No but I saw the aftermath and say with him til paramedics arrived then there was he hospital. And my mind is happy o fill in the blanks.

“So like if I had been there it wouldn’t have happened, what could you have done to prevented it, was this your fault?”

SERIOUSLY? Every doctor we’ve seen for DK has been careful to make sure to tell us and make sure we understand “horrific accident” “can’t prevent everything” “they were just playing and this terrible thing happened it was not anyone’s fault”. And this guy says “man, you really fucked up didn’t you?” We’ve already established depression an PTSD, you trying to lighten the patient load by getting yours to suicide or something?

And this was all before he told me he wasn’t a therapist. Clearly, because as a therapist you suck. Hardcore, dude, because really. YOU SUCK

Hope the therapist is not mentally deficient too. Whenever I manage to see them.

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So, I’ve been having PTSD-like flashbacks since DKs accident. To te poit that I’ve had to pull off te road into a parking lot a few times.

Not to say they’re anymore fun when I’m not driving, of course. They enter ally suck. A lot. They’re not necessarily full PTSD style, since I generally know I’m not back at the the incident. But I still get full sensation and all the feeling of being there. So much fun

So, my doc recommended psychotherapy. Because really “why haven’t you gotten therapy before??” So yeah.

Except somehow I got scheduled to a psychiatrist for eval instead of psychologist for therapy. And now I’m on the waiting list, because the new psychs they hired recently are now full booked. But probably not three weeks ago when I scheduled my appointment. So, basically, I just didn’t get my appointment due to clerical error. Yay

Ironically, DK was supposed to see psychiatric for ADHD meds last week. But they scheduled him for therapy. He’s got another three weeks before he gets a second shot. I like the practice and the docs seem nice, but reception needs work.

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So, apropos of nothing, this afternoon on the train I started thinking about the kids.

Well, technically, it’s apropos of the fact that I’d watched an emotional episode on my iPod and putting away my ticket I saw kitty’s footprint card from the hospital still in my bag.

When DK was born, Kiir’s aunt made a “milestones” book, and it had a slot for his.

Pi’s sat by the table waiting for Kiir to make a scrapbook for her stuff.

Kitty’s has never even made it out of my bag, because there’s just no time to do anything like that, and frankly if it’s in my bag I know where to find it.  Pi’s I’m not sure which box we put it in to keep it from getting lost.  It’s here, I know we didn’t throw it out, I just don’t know where it is.

Anyway, I got to thinking about how I’ve often said I work my job to provide for my family, but my family is the important thing.  And the last month I’ve been working long hours, putting in time at home, etc, for a big deploy.  Yeah, it’s only really the second time I’ve done that since I started this job five years ago, but it rankles.  Because I put my kids on the back burner instead of the other way round.

That got me to reflecting on the fact that I get angry so often and rage for no reason.  I’ll yell, loudly, and it scares DK.  Some of that is his personality, and I think loud noises bother him in general.  But some of that is he’s afraid of daddy.  I am not a fan of that part.

And I get mad about the dumbest things.  He’ll want to quit playing a video game because it got hard, but I’m trying to finish the level so I’ll “yell” at him.  Or he’ll insist he’s done playing, so I’ll turn off the TV and declare it bedtime.  Because he didn’t want to play the videogame anymore?  WTF!

We’ll go up to put Pi to bed (he’ll help me put her to bed, and fall asleep in the process a lot of times, but he won’t go up for his bedtime, just hers).  And we’ll be reading books, he’ll suddenly remember we need to brush teeth (valid).  Then we’ll get snuggled back down, and he’ll want a drink.  And I’ll just lose it.  Of course it’s a stalling tactic, but it gets me irrationally angry.  And I’ll yell at him to lay down, be quiet, and let Pi go to sleep!!!

I don’t even remember the stupid shit that has me raging, but I do know it’s stupid shit.  I know it even when I’m screaming, I just can’t help myself.

And I don’t like that about me.  About me with them.  I don’t want them to fear me.  That’s not the kind of person I am, seriously.  But I don’t know how to control it.  And if I talk to my psych about it, I’m afraid he’ll change my antidepressants, and honestly it took me long enough to get back on this one that actually works.

All that got me to remembering when he was a newborn at the hospital.  How small he was, how dependent.  And I think part of the issue is he’s NOT dependent anymore.  He’s very much independent.  He’ll need help with things, but he wants to do it by himself.

And Pi, now, too.  And she’s so tiny, she can’t always turn the doorknobs, but she wants to be doing it by herself.  She can’t reach the sink, the lights.  But I want my teeny tiny baby back, that I could hold in the crook of my arm, who would lay down on my chest and sleep.

And even Kitty.  He’s crawling around, standing sometimes in the middle of a room, trying to walk.  He wants to be up and doing whatever his siblings are doing, instead of sitting on me being my baby.

Maybe I do need new antidepressants, but I refuse to go back on the one with the super-side-effects-and-withdrawal-like-morphine issues.

Actually, what I really wanted to do by the time I got off the train was go sit at the hospital maternity ward and just watch the babies in the nursery for an hour or so while I recentered.

Of course, assuming I could get into the hospital, I couldn’t get into the maternity ward.  And if I somehow got in, I’d just get arrested, because you can’t watch the nursery, you might be planning on snatching a baby or something.  *sigh*

But it would be nice to just sit there and watch for a bit, and pretend that my babies were still my babies.

Posted in: DK, general, Kitty, PI by attriel /
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So, Kiir went to the airport and left with Kitty.  Leaving just me in charge of DK and Pi.

So, first things first, we should eat dinner!  I took them to Red Robin, since it’s basically their favorite.  Dinner was good and fine.

She brought the check, and I said no to the boxes since they were still eating.  A minute later, she’s just at the next table  taking their drink orders, they both declare that they’re done.  When she finishes, she carefully turns in a direction away from me, and it’s loud so she didn’t hear me calling for her.

Fine, I’ll catch her when she comes back, she’ll be back for the check anyway.  They start being antsy, duh, but it’s just another minute.

I’m not sure how long it was, I’m sure it wasn’t the ten minutes it felt like, but it was definitely a while before she came back.  I think she waited at the bar for 6 drinks.  Whenever I order, I have to wait forever for my bar drinks while sodas come out instantly.  I guess they weren’t QUITE that busy.

Anyway, she comes back, I give her the card and ask for some boxes.  Pi has been asking to go potty for a while, and DK now wants to go too.  So, we run over to the bathroom.

TWO MINUTES LATER!   TWO MINUTES!!!   Come back out and see the waitress talking to the busser.  Who has already tossed the milkshake and the kids drinks into her bin.  Along with both pastas.  And one of the three things of fries.  She started with the full one apparently.

Seriously!??

I understand, it was the rush time (quarter past 7 on a friday).  I understand that I didn’t have anything at the table to clearly state I was coming back (note:  what, I was going to leave a child?)

But I did have a lot of fries, a full milkshake glass, a kids shake, pasta, and a balloon tied to the lamp.  I’m not sure leaving anything would have helped, honestly.

The waitress apologized and offered to have the kitchen make fresh for me take.  Except, you know, the kids were already done with waiting.  And since they swapped out the motorcycle arcade game, they’re not even really all that interested in the couple games out front (well, one racing game where you sit in a chair now, and then a couple carnival claw games; really, they’re not actually interesting, I agree).  She did say “next time you’re in I’ll remember to take more off”, which I guess means like she wouldn’t charge us for one of the kids meals or something?  But, seriously, even the waitresses we get often don’t recognize us.  We really try not to go too often!

On the way out, the manager on duty apologized, and offered to have the kitchen make up new orders to go.  Still, kids?

So, I ended up losing a pair of school lunch pastas and a weekend lunch of fries.  Because they’re busy enough to need to bus tables quickly.  And apparently have no system to define if a table is done or not.

Actually, the lady doing the bussing, tossed the last two sets of fries as I got back to the table.  While the waitress was waving the togo box and telling her that we had just asked for boxes, we were trying to take it with us.  And watching as I came back with two kids.  Honestly, she looked almost malicious at it.  And when we were leaving the table, she mumbled sorry.  I don’t know if she didn’t mean it, or if she didn’t speak much english and didn’t understand what it was supposed to sound like.  Either way, it certainly wasn’t an apology.

*sigh*

Posted in: DK, general, PI by attriel /
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I so love thanksgiving.

First I drive 12-16 hours, depending on traffic, to get to my inlaws (we stopped for the night this year, so it was two 6-hour chunks, not near as bad)

The first few days were OK, just us and her parents.  Just the usual screaming and yelling amongst them.

Tuesday night I got to take a 5 hour journey with dad and my eldest to pick up a table from the other house.  Not because we needed it, but because having the person that wanted it take the extra drive would have been rude.  We got home from that and boy was wide awake after a two hour nap and two hours of BOREDOM in the car.  shocking.

Wednesday I had all the kids asleep and in bed by 8pm and they mostly slept through.

Then Thursday everyone else came, as they are wont to do.  Loud, obnoxious.  They spent most of the day at the second sleeping house, because they didn’t want to be around the kids.  Sis commented on how rude it was that they were doing that.  Until she was preggers last year, she did the same thing to stay away from my kids.

When they all came over, in size 75 steel boots like a brigade storming normandy, they were loud and annoying.  One of them came over and rubbed baby’s head on my back and said “what are you up to baby?”

My response?  ”Sleeping until you guys got here all loud and shit.”

After dinner, sis’ baby went to sleep at 7 (“he sleeps from 7 to 7 without ever waking up or anything!”) and they all sat at the top of the stairs (admittedly where the tables were) and played cards .  LOUDLY.  I swear, these people could each help a three ring circus without a mic.  Because they were all trying to last night.

Since there was no way I was getting my kids to sleep with the racket, I let the elder pair watch cartoons until she wanted to sleep.  Got her down for ~20 minutes until there was another ROAR from upstairs, and she woke up.  So when the boy was ready, I changed him to his jammies and sent him upstairs to tell everyone to “BE QUIEEEEETTTTTT!!!!”

Twenty minutes later I asked dad to go tell them again.

They finally settled ~5 minutes before I was ready to open the bedroom door and shout up “Shut the fuck up!” Which would have been hilarious to me, since it would have woken up sis’ perfectd sleeper.

Who apparently woke up screaming when she tried to go to bed, so she left her husband to deal with it since he walked in in front of her.  She closed the door on him :o

I hate family time.

Today the boys all went to play golf (with a disgusted “no way” from dad when I asked if he was taking boy; I know it’s a real game on the full course, but he’s been wanting to take boy all week), the girls all went to see twilight at the theatre.

My baby girl is sick, so mommy is laying with her, and baby boy is sleeping on my back.  I’m unclear why people were telling me what time the Muppet movie was playing.  Sis already left Mom in charge of her baby when she left, I’m fairly sure if I tried to go now, too, mom will kill me :o

Posted in: general, trips by attriel /
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Bored.

Depressed.

Lonely

Tired

Nothing to see here.

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So, I have time on my computer right now.  I could play a game.  I could surf the web.

Well, actually, since DK and Pi didn’t want to do anything for the long weekend but sit upstairs and play in the bedroom, I’ve already gone through my google reader.  it’s been ages since it was clear!  And I’ve caught up all my sites to read.  So really, surfing the web has nothing available right now unless I trawl wikipedia or something.

But I don’t even feel like playing a game.  It’s depressing is what it is.  I might try watching some TV show on hulu or such, but can’t do that when Kiir and Pi are awake and in the living room anyway.

Maybe I’ll go to bed early tonight and see if getting more sleep helps me.  blew out a bunch of phlegm blocking up my nose earlier, i can breathe again, so that seems promising.  I figure I’ll take the sudafed shortly, it’s been almost 5 hours since my last dose, and that should hold me the night.

Managed to slice up my hand earlier.  No idea how that happened.  Annoying, really.  I’ll need to put something on that with a bandaid for bed, so it doesn’t catch or pull and keep waking me up :o

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OK, so.  It’s been months.  Again.

I’m going to give it another go here, but I’m thinking I may be shuttering both this blog and deadbeef.  I need to remember to look up if anyone besides spambots comes anyway.

My weight backslid further.  240 according to the lsightly defective scale.  I think it’s probably about right though.  Blegh.  Seriously need to start getting to the gym (maybe Pi and DK will be willing to play at child center now?  just in time for Newb.)

Oh, yeah.  We’re having a third one!  And somehow I let that convince me to let my MiL come and clean the house in January.  Don’t get me wrong, I am completely incapable of actually getting it cleaned myself, clearly.  Did fairly well with the living/dining, kitchen and master bedroom for xmas.

Car broke in October.  TV broke beginning of December.  Yay.

I don’t even have the energy to rant and rave anymore.  I barely have the energy to care about things.

Crap, I need to make a psych appt before I run out of pills .. NTS: make psych appt …

I’m not even sure what i’ll focus on here.  But I’m going to try to post semi-regularly.  I talk to myself all the time, might as well write to myself too.

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So, I’ve been on various medications for my depression.  The current one turns out to have some whacked out issues.

Whenever I miss a dose, the next morning I’m already all the way down and by mid afternoon my back/shoulder hurt.  Kindof like a spasm, but one that doesn’t start or stop.  It’s just kindof … tense.

And if I take the pill first thing in the morning, it doesn’t kick in until late evening.  Erk.

Apparently they have a very short halflife, explaining the immediate effect of missing.  And a slow release, explaining the latter issue.

And apparently the pain?  I’m lucky.  It seems this crap has psychotic withdrawal effects.  Blinding head stabbing pains.  Extreme nausea.  Some people, apparently, are stuck taking it because they just can’t get off of it reasonably.

Talking to my new psych, we’re switching me back to one I preferred even before I knew of the issues on this one.  Except, to minimize withdrawal (seriously, they prescribe a medication that has this kindof serious withdrawal effects?  but it’s not addictive! my ass) (and the old psych’s staff was so freaking nonchalant about “he’ll call you in a week or two with that emergency refill, soon a we get off our asses and tell him”???) … To minimize, we’re cutting my dosage a quarter at a time, and phasing in my new (old) med at the same time.  Which frankly sounds incredibly unlikely to work properly in terms of “average level of coverage”, but I can understand not wanting to give me two complete meds.

But it’s going to take 2-3 months to wean off this crap, and I may potentially feel this shoulder muscle pain for even longer.  What *I* can’t figure out is … if this has such a short halflife, why does the aftereffect last so much LONGER???

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