Psychotomy

So, I was always going to e one of those parents that’s patient and loving and didn’t yell. When my kids did something, I’d sit down and have a reasoned explanation with them and they’d understand what I was saying and there wouldn’t be yelling

I dislike the yelling see

But it turns out? That’s a pipe dream for delusional people without kids. Omfg. DK starts reading a book with me, gets half a sentence in, decries that he just can’t read and storms off. What just happened? No don’t even know how to have a reasoned discourse, bc WHAT JUST HAPPENED???

I get home from work with a gallon of milk. In the time it takes to put it in the refrigerator, Pi has told me no less than six times that she’s thirsty she needs juice. I heard you, knock it off!

Bear moves next to me at dinner and keeps ramming me with his plate. You’re done? You want more? What???

And yelling? Happens way more than I’d like to admit. Because they never listen to any direction. Pick up the dishes, no seriously I’m asking you to pick up the dishes, not mine for diamond for twenty years bony run away! Wtf? GET BACK HERE DON’T PUSH YOUR SISTER!!!

Sigh. I was seriously deluded. I miss that ;)

Posted in: DK, Kitty, PI by attriel /
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So … After deciding we don’t like the old psych bc we felt they were borderline useless we found a new one. Friend of a friend got in same week!

So anyway, a) much better designed waiting area. Almost like they expect to have children visiting. B) much better doctor. Listened to the words we said and our cover a and out report from the old meds. Even asked “so… Why didn’t she want to change his med if it wasn’t working? That’s dumb” so yay!

Got a new scrip (adderall now) gave him the trial dosage Thursday morning. And I could see some difference before I led the house an hour later. WOW.

I understand he sat for his schoolwork and even did his reading. In fact, he DID HIS READING. as in he read the page and sounded out some words and generally kind of read it. I knew he could do it, he just never looked at the par long enough to see what the letters and words WERE. Which is actually why I can’t do picture books, he reads based on the picture not the words

Anyway, yay! Raising him to a standard low dosage this week. Seeing doc again in a couple weeks for followup and adjustment. Probably going to 2x or 3x /day. Probably raising the dosage another notch too

But I’m cool with tuning if we found a scrip that works!!!

Posted in: DK by attriel /
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DK had his third meds appt today. Last time she put him on Ritalin 5mg. Which led him to complete meltdowns all the damned time. All for little if any apparent benefiy.

So she had us cut the pills and give him 2.5. So last week that’s what he was on. The meltdowns and violence were better. But still no noticeable benefit

So today I took him and my wife stayed home with the other two (usually we stop ad I wait with them and after appt we go grocery store). Doc decided he was doing much better and she decided to maintain his meds.

She also stated that Ritalin has the fewest side effects of all ADHD meds. Which my wife’s research suggests is the opposite of true. But she doesn’t want to “experiment” with him bc of “his history” it could be dangerous. And how am I supposed to argue with that???

But she’s out the next three weeks, so guess we’re goin to stay the course for now. Maybe well see improvement. But I doubt it, we’re lookin for chemical improvement not biological changes, so those should have been evident already

Posted in: DK by attriel /
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DK had his appointment today for medication. Get him something to maybe help him slow down, sit still. Concentrate for more than thirty seconds.

We had all the kids, so I stayed outside while my wife took him in and did paperwork. She tells me it’s 150$. Which is nowhere near the 25-50 we were expecting. I mean seriously wtf. His therapy appts were 95$ and 70$. Next one is supposed to be 10$ then no payment, according to the practice. But 150$?? And it’s not a one time. Next one is another 100$ then 30$ each trip!! They said something about the deductible, but since I think today’s visit reached dk’s out-of-pocket limit … Not that I know what that means to our current insurance. Past experience has been “we quit counting, you still have to pay” and “now we’ll call everything out-of-network and apply different numbers”. I don’t have high hopes :(

Anyway, turns out that DK was too bouncy and distracting for the doc. So mommy had to bring him back to me. Because doc was going through the accident with mommy

Except, she needs his records from hospital. To know the details of if he lost consciousness etc. apparently it affects what she prescribes. I wasn’t told if there was a reason not to just scribe the non-interference meds. So, 150$ later and a trained doctor took a history.

Oh, and when we take him back? She’s going to want to take the history again now she knows what’s in the report. If she reads it. It’s hit or miss, usually, if they read it the first time. But she’s already met DK, so maybe that counts.

But no meds today. I’m starting to wonder about the mental health establishments on our plan. And I need to check the insurance, make sure we’re getting credit for these payments. And order his history. I should check if we need both hospitals, before we have another wasted appointment.

Wonder if she wants DK next time … I wonder if I ever get to see the right doctor …

Clearly I need my head examined, I keep expecting medical and insurance to be sensible

Posted in: DK by attriel /
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We’re at the mall the other day. Played at te playground for an hour and went for lunch. They agree they all want more playground so fine. Bathroom first!

DK wants to go boys room by himself and I generally let him. But he runs off ahead so I isn’t get a chance to repeat the directions from the first time. I take the other pair to the family rooms, and when we come out he’s not waiting for us

Well, shit. I go in the men’s calling for him, but hear no answer and don’t see his boots in the stalls. Back to the food court entrance where we go to the bathrooms, no.

At this point I threw out my (full) drink so I could carry Bear, and basically dragged Pi behind me to the playground. All set to be pissed off at him for not waiting, and contemplating a demanded exit and home

Except he’s not at the playground. Oh crap oh crap. Back to the bathrooms again, still not there. Check where we had been sitting. Ok, back to the playground one more time, it’s on the way to service to ask for help etc.

As we’re passing the bathrooms he comes running up. He HAD gone towards the playground bc he forgot the first directions and thought we had gone ahead (no, you don’t get to go potty quite that much by yourself yet, kid). And when he couldn’t find us he got worried.

From the security guard I found out he was sanding by the mall directory. Then we ran into the family that found him there and called security. Apparently he was very calm and collected about the whole thing, managed to describe me/my clothes reasonably, including my vibram five fingers and the baby carrier.

He was worried and scared, but in control and calm. And once he found me, he was worried because e thought I was going to be mad about him running off (not unreasonably I suppose since I had been) and he was scared he’d be in trouble for getting lost

He knew the right things to do in the situation (I’m not sure where to look for security personally so standing at a directory was probably not a bad option).

I probably even went past him at the directory and was on the wrong side or just didn’t see him.

In the ten minutes since finding him, my pulse is way calmer and blood pressure has got to be better. Bc omfg terrifying!

Posted in: DK by attriel /
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So, growing up, I listened to the Star Wars/Empire/Jedi soundtracks while I read books a lot. So anytime I read the Foundation trilogy (Isaac Asimov), I can HEAR that music playing even though it really isn’t anymore. Listening to that music, I can see the story playing out in my mind.

It’s given me problems in the past, where I was listening to movies or music or something while studying. I had perfect recall of the material, as long as the right background was on. (in those instances, I could usually get decentrecall with any music). Unfortunately, my professors didn’t see a good reason for me to listen to headphones during exams :o

Well, now I have a worse level. When DK was in ICU, we were reading him various stories. A lot of them were favorite stories of his, but there was also the Magic Treehouse series, which he (and I) had never read. So I read it to him, a few chapters at a time.

Now I can’t even think of the series without seeing him on the respirator and all the IVs and monitors and … all of it.

I somehow doubt I will be reading this series to the other kids, or to him for that matter, ever again.

—

I wrote that in October. Since then Bear has had me read them at bedtime sometimes. We started with the later entries, because he doesn’t care. Eventually we circled around and read some of the same ones I’d read for DK and I made it through, but still hard

Posted in: DK, Kitty, Uncategorized by attriel /
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So, I realized I haven’t been near this blog in months, and then I realized that I had posted about DK’s accident.

He had no complications, so surgery was quick to schedule and they could spend their time on the reconstruction rather than emergency patches.  Took most of a day in surgery, but they repaired everything in one bout.  No plates or pins, they used “absorbable” fake-bone stuff that melts into the actual bone structure over time.  Scar from surgery is well inside his hairline.  he’ll never be good rockin’ the bald look, but now his hair has grown back there’s nothing to see!

A week in ICU after surgery, a week in the recovery less-than-ICU ward, then three weeks transferred to the rehab hospital to rebuild his strength to walking and his motor movements and everything.

He’s been continuing with rehab outpatient since then, but seems to be doing largely OK now.  Impulsive.  Lack of understanding of personal boundaries.  Hyper.  Prone to hard emotional dives when he’s gettign tired and denied something.  Or just when he’s getting tired, really.  I should probably mention that at the next followup.  It seems like a perfectly reasonable aftereffect, but they should probably be informed.

Everyone’s settling back into routines.  His siblings are overjoyed at having him home.  Bear and Pi both missed having a big brother around.

Posted in: DK by attriel /
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So, they were playing upstairs, and DK climbed up on the windowsill and … fell from the third floor to the concrete below

he’s in PICU now, sedated and drugged, and will remain for a while while they watch for brain bleeding & swelling, before they even approach the issues of facial reconstruction to put his shattered bones back together.  I’m presuming he’ll end up with a metal plate rather than a bunch of pins, but since he’s still growing maybe not.

he’s able to move his limbs, even on command, when the meds are light enough that he has control.  nothing but his head seems to be injured, so far, and now we just wait …

Posted in: DK by attriel /
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so, I’ve been exhausted the last few days, and this morning kiir passed me kitty at 6:30 to deal with b/c he wouldn’t go back to sleep for her. That meant that by 7 we were downstairs playing Peggle (b/c I couldn’t risk Arkham City when DK might be coming down; NTS, gotta buy ME3 or ACR soon)

He napped on and off until DK came down at 8? 8:30? then Pi came at about 9:30, and I made breakfast …

About 11 I decided to take a nap b/c, still exhausted. Kiir suggested taking Kitty with me b/c he was ready for his naptime. He doesn’t fall asleep laying in the bed yet with me.

DK followed us up b/c he wanted to take a nap too, so I turned on the light in his room so he could “take a nap” while we went to the other room.

K followed us in to nap with us.

Pi followed up the stairs in a minute to come play too!! Eventually DK let her into the room Kitty and I were in, so she could come in. And since he let her in, he brought his sleeping bag for a sleepover.

Then Kitty, DK and Pi bounced around the bed a bit playing.  And by 11:15 we just all came back down, b/c so far this nap had simply provided me with a bonus headache.

Posted in: DK, Kitty, PI by attriel /
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So, apropos of nothing, this afternoon on the train I started thinking about the kids.

Well, technically, it’s apropos of the fact that I’d watched an emotional episode on my iPod and putting away my ticket I saw kitty’s footprint card from the hospital still in my bag.

When DK was born, Kiir’s aunt made a “milestones” book, and it had a slot for his.

Pi’s sat by the table waiting for Kiir to make a scrapbook for her stuff.

Kitty’s has never even made it out of my bag, because there’s just no time to do anything like that, and frankly if it’s in my bag I know where to find it.  Pi’s I’m not sure which box we put it in to keep it from getting lost.  It’s here, I know we didn’t throw it out, I just don’t know where it is.

Anyway, I got to thinking about how I’ve often said I work my job to provide for my family, but my family is the important thing.  And the last month I’ve been working long hours, putting in time at home, etc, for a big deploy.  Yeah, it’s only really the second time I’ve done that since I started this job five years ago, but it rankles.  Because I put my kids on the back burner instead of the other way round.

That got me to reflecting on the fact that I get angry so often and rage for no reason.  I’ll yell, loudly, and it scares DK.  Some of that is his personality, and I think loud noises bother him in general.  But some of that is he’s afraid of daddy.  I am not a fan of that part.

And I get mad about the dumbest things.  He’ll want to quit playing a video game because it got hard, but I’m trying to finish the level so I’ll “yell” at him.  Or he’ll insist he’s done playing, so I’ll turn off the TV and declare it bedtime.  Because he didn’t want to play the videogame anymore?  WTF!

We’ll go up to put Pi to bed (he’ll help me put her to bed, and fall asleep in the process a lot of times, but he won’t go up for his bedtime, just hers).  And we’ll be reading books, he’ll suddenly remember we need to brush teeth (valid).  Then we’ll get snuggled back down, and he’ll want a drink.  And I’ll just lose it.  Of course it’s a stalling tactic, but it gets me irrationally angry.  And I’ll yell at him to lay down, be quiet, and let Pi go to sleep!!!

I don’t even remember the stupid shit that has me raging, but I do know it’s stupid shit.  I know it even when I’m screaming, I just can’t help myself.

And I don’t like that about me.  About me with them.  I don’t want them to fear me.  That’s not the kind of person I am, seriously.  But I don’t know how to control it.  And if I talk to my psych about it, I’m afraid he’ll change my antidepressants, and honestly it took me long enough to get back on this one that actually works.

All that got me to remembering when he was a newborn at the hospital.  How small he was, how dependent.  And I think part of the issue is he’s NOT dependent anymore.  He’s very much independent.  He’ll need help with things, but he wants to do it by himself.

And Pi, now, too.  And she’s so tiny, she can’t always turn the doorknobs, but she wants to be doing it by herself.  She can’t reach the sink, the lights.  But I want my teeny tiny baby back, that I could hold in the crook of my arm, who would lay down on my chest and sleep.

And even Kitty.  He’s crawling around, standing sometimes in the middle of a room, trying to walk.  He wants to be up and doing whatever his siblings are doing, instead of sitting on me being my baby.

Maybe I do need new antidepressants, but I refuse to go back on the one with the super-side-effects-and-withdrawal-like-morphine issues.

Actually, what I really wanted to do by the time I got off the train was go sit at the hospital maternity ward and just watch the babies in the nursery for an hour or so while I recentered.

Of course, assuming I could get into the hospital, I couldn’t get into the maternity ward.  And if I somehow got in, I’d just get arrested, because you can’t watch the nursery, you might be planning on snatching a baby or something.  *sigh*

But it would be nice to just sit there and watch for a bit, and pretend that my babies were still my babies.

Posted in: DK, general, Kitty, PI by attriel /
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